The only place in Metro Manila that truly gets me out of my head. I visit from time to time, usually on days that aren't too hot. I find that the current season is the best to visit, but there's a storm rolling over the city rn and you can never tell how bad things will get because it's by the sea. Another con this place has is that it doesn't have a lot of seating areas that are grassy. I'd love to sit on the ground but knowing how people are here, they'd probably just leave trash around. It's a shame cause the site is historical. Also there's not a lot of upkeep in certain pockets of the place. 3.5/5, Intramuros is great but the "Intramuros Area" is better. There's so much character and history to observe, even if you're not spending money to pay for the tourist-y gimmicks. And I'd even wager to say that getting lost here and spending NOTHING immerses you better than paying for a tour.

Today's been a little rough, not only am I freakishly sick, it's almost been a year since <redacted> happened. It feels like it only happened yesterday...? Although I'm not hung up on it (maybe I subconsciously am), getting reminded of where I used to be a year ago has always left me feeling sour and a little angry. I wish I hadn't wasted all that time. They say there's never loss with love, but I did lose myself. In worship and hope and belief. I can rebuild and forge something different but I will never have that fearless hope and earnestness I used to have. I can never love and be unafraid that my love wouldn't have a place in this world. It used to and it was taken away from me all because someone lied to themselves for a full year; and by extension, they lied to me. I should've been the first person they should've seen as a casualty. I shouldn't have been there. If only you were as sure of me as I was as certain of you. You were religion and by essence, the person who allowed me to cast light on the darkest parts of the world. Maybe it all came from me but I couldn't have done it by myself. And what if I find another? Will they just be another instrument, another passerby, another person to make each other a symbol of what we can't do on our own? Did I use you just as much as you used me? I demonize myself to make just of what you did—that I did deserve this. But after everything, i've snapped out of the compulsion that Im some sort of evil, broken person that constantly needed fixing and internal policing to be good for you. And I did everything to not let you know about how much I've been redoing and undoing my brain. I WAS good to you and in that pursuit, I DID lose myself. So was I good to you? Was I really a good person to you? It's unfathomable how I had so much will in love. I can't find that in me now and I don't know what to do to bring who I was back.

oh i'm so excited to listen to this month's playlist

The main reason why I couldn't listen to my lofi playlists was because I wouldn't let myself get sad. Oddly enough, feeling sad is comforting. Maybe it's a wallowing type of thing but this year, it hasn't been that. I've just really ben avoiding the feeling of solemnity. Lo-Fi ambient music gives me that feeling and I used to be able to sit well with it. This year, it's just been hard for me to slow down and think—to place my feelings outside of myself and to just stare at it or embrace it. I have to accept it's okay to feel things without understanding them first; that's one of the newer realizations I've had. It makes sense as a concept and I've definitely thought of that before but this year has been developing more than just cognizance. I have to allow myself to feel my skin before putting on 10 layers of clothing to protect myself before work. I have to allow my heart to be held even if the one holding it is me. I have to stop compartmentalizing everything. I need to finally let go and let be.

Fuck this shit. My shift changed to 5PM to 2AM. And this is gonna be what my next 2-3 months are going to look like. The commute home is hellish because I have to take a detour since the trains are closed during nighttime. Not only that, the detour is even more expensive. fuck ahh office

thinking of what to do today since it’s my “rest day” from work. I spent the whole day yesterday just catching up on sleep because I’ve been practically bed ridden the entire month due to my work’s shifting schedule. had some reallllyyyyy good food I got delivered earlier as payday just came. thought I’d treat myself :) also, I’m thinking of also watching Heretic tomorrow evening (which is in <15 hours… so, it’s already technically “tomorrow” now).

so i made it work!!! i got my weekends disputed and i'm finally back to having Saturdays and Sundays as my rest days :DDDDD Only con is that my Saturdays are reserved for dance practices (is this really a con?!?!?!? IM LOWK EXCITED)

Things to do later: - Buy cat food - Buy cat litter - Maybe make some food and play some games to unwind hehehe

working at home + doing extra shit so i can be more organized during my shifts. also my monthly playlists need to be cleaned up. i gtg get ready to go out cause i'm planning to go out and work @ a cafe

why are they planning a disco night if there's no space to dance... so this means it's not appropriate for me to DRINK. And I mean—like, actually drink, not "sit there, look pretty and act stupid lemme drink my expensive whiskey" drinking. I MEAN ACTUALLY DRINKING. There is no fun with drinking if you aren't dancing tipsy, otherwise just stay home or go to a cafe if u just wanna sit around and buy an expensive beverage. Are yall just networking here? THEN WHY MAKE IT MANDATORY LMFAO SUUUUUUUU Lemme just sit down and talk about this BORING ASS party lmao what are we even doing here. I'm BETTING THERELL BE MORE PEOPLE IN THE SMOKING AREA THAN INSIDE LMAO. I might be too GEN Z for this but god these parties are so effing useless. Just go line yourselves up in a meeting room and flagellate each other. And it's somehow mandatory for all of the lower-tier agents, too. lol shut up if it wasn't mandatory then i guarantee you only 30% from the current attendees would show up

Started reading this today. Let's hope my attention span lasts me the first book (at least), and then the entire series 💔💔💔💔💔 idk how i read entire series' in a week when i was 14. I've grown to be a movie person

Slow day at work today lol. It was “slow” cause I had may ways of just keeping my workload today manageable. Currently just reading Dune again on my iPad while I wait for the after-work snacks 😎 anyway, heres my ipad homescreen layout

Bruh. Ultimate bruh moment. Ultimate epic bruh moment. I'm legitimately silent quitting my job at least mentally. The physical wear is getting to me that it's demotivating me as a whole. Working from 6PM to 3AM and then commuting 3 hours (in total) back and forth is not for everyone. You know, when you start out with the night shift, everything's all good at fist cause your body is technically still not in sleep debt. And my schedule a year ago wasn't as bad as this. Eventually they started giving my shifting schedules every month. It's a lot to get used to when you work the NIGHT SHIFT. If I worked during the day, waking up earlier or later wouldn't be a problem because I'd still be sleeping at the hours that HUMANS are supposed to sleep in. I'm gonna start job hunting by the end of December. If I land something better, I'm quitting lol. Stuff I need for my next job:

if i quit my job, will i miss its mundanity 🤔 last slide is my food streak @ work heheh. one of its saving graces is that i get two free meals a day and it's saved me a lot on money. Food is expensive and Id even go as far to say it costs more than public transportation (even tho transportation costs have been increasing lately). I claim our free lunch meal + snack meals daily. The lunch meals are SOOO GOOD and filling. Every lunch time I swear I'd almost reach food comatose if i didn't have any coffee with me. (Also by "lunch" I mean 12 AM, at midnight, cuz night shift things). If my next job doesn't give me free food AND they require me to commute, I'd question why I took the job anyway. Most of my coworkers are working on Christmas. Crazy how I'd get 2 weeks off during the holidays when I was a student but I don't even get time off during national holidays now. It's true when they say winter and summer breaks are UNEMPLOYMENT in my industry cuz we don't have those. Anyway, the pay is.. good. Just not worth it. And my pay isn't even AMAZING. It's better than most entry level salaries but you're sacrificing a lot to stay here. And I could stay longer but I'm afraid of stagnating and I wouldn't wanna live a life of wondering about "what could've been." SO IM GONNA START APPLYING FOR OTHER JOBS (or different career paths) on January or February 🤔

holding in a fart on the train (praying so hard to every god and deity out there that i don't accidentally let a LOUD one rip whenever the train shakes)

wish i could upload videos here lol. the fireworks were kinda crazy earlier. Feel bad for all of the animals that had to hear this metropolitan city-wide firework show but i won't lie, seeing the city like this still puts me in awe 👁️ I was given food and wine on the rooftop LOL. i had to decline most of it cause I had nowhere to put my camera to eat the food

paperblanks, your whole creative team deserves ur asses ate. i make the decisions. these designs are so beautiful

I recently made the move from Spotify to AM and it's been a huge freaking learning curve. The library works a little differently and I have to re-train my algorithm. All of the music that's been getting recommended to me has been ass :( But I expected that cause I've been a Spotify user since 2017 so Spotify's algorithm knows what new music to recommend me that i'd actually like Also, Artist pages on AM do not have the panel for "Similar Artists" that Spotify has WHICH I USE VERY OFTEN TO NOT RELY ON THE ALGORITHM AND AAAGHHH... lastly, the windows app SUCKS ASS

the local cafe I go to has the English translation of this, and I'm thinking of going there regularly to read more 🤔

Took a sick leave from work cause I can and I do not care. I wanna quit so bad

30 days left at work. Figured that I didn't want to prolong this anymore. I don't want to turn into the people at work and be forever tied to my job. Working the night shift is so isolating, man lmao

..that I'm starting to forget your face. Soon, the sound of your voice will follow suit into that empty corner of my brain. That threshold of no return. A reverberation, an electrical current. And then some inevitable death. What's funny is that sometimes you do show up every now and then when I scroll through social media. I unblocked you some time ago when I thought I could stand you coming across my feed. I let go because I believed that was essential to me accepting, but you look so foreign. I don't know if my memory is lapsing, if you're using 10 different filters again, or if you've actually just grown. I can accept you having gone, just not looking so different from how I remember you. But I'm starting to forget (anyway) and I don't know if I'm at peace with that. Maybe I have changed too. Frankly, I feel worn and slightly aged and I can't tell how long I've looked this way. I mostly can't tell because I've avoided staring at myself for too long. My skin has always felt like rubber. Touch has always felt so artificial. I don't want to linger on what feels. What is the point of sense when everything feels so immaterial. Memories feel like dead pixels and it feels almost impossible to put together when your brain has deconstructed itself to forget. Forget and move on. I've forgotten why I hurt, just not the hurt. So I'm left like a broken monitor with half of its screen deteriorated with static buzzing. Brown coated dust on my shell, the scent you get from piled up appliances your parents keep in the attic; old and aged. Not totally discarded, not exactly alone ever since the tiny, hair-like spiders took shelter in you but it's not exactly un-silent either. It's that distant familiarity, that feeling of knowing you've forgotten. There was something about this that used to matter to me. Oh, I've forgotten a lot of good that I wish I hadn't. Maybe I'd have a larger pool of important data I can hold onto and keep forever. That these pixels don't feel so immaterial when I recall them. That they can feel more than bytes someday. Maybe I can reload the files from my "Old Minecraft Worlds" zip file and simulate us building that house for the first time. The years of terabytes I carry around like deadweight but cannot replicate. I am that deadweight I carry and I will continue to be because I need to want to remember to say I've lived. That I existed more than a ghost on the internet, more than some internet persona, and maybe as something a little more than material.

Filler post for my newer projects on my pixel art Instagram account. By "newer projects," I mean projects that'll come in another 20 business years because I'm too scared of posting pictures online and setting myself up in front of an audience except there is NO audience cause all of my followers are inactive LMAAAOOOO okay maybe I should start posting after all