today was a really hard day at work. multiple call offs, mean customers, and annoying coworkers were the cherry on top of my already bad mood, but my sweet coworker and friend Vee bought me Popeyes for lunch to make me feel better! then after work, we went and visited my bestie and all went to target together where I decided to treat myself to a new book! I found the Shadow & Bone trilogy on sale and bought all three! It was so nice to spend time with friends, and to be gentle with myself and treat myself to a few new books. It was a nice reminder that even when things get hard, there is always joy to be found!

doodled a little caricature of myself at work and what I need to get through the day! I'm not very good at drawing, but I like being creative however I can!

sometimes i hate being bisexual. i wish i could force my heart to make sense. flirting with men can be fun in an odd way. it feels like when i took ballet. make it look easy while my muscles and heart strain, the heady thrill of a pirouette, the harsh cold of the studio floor, pain biting at my heels, but do it all with a smile, look lighter than air but feel heavy with practice. it can make me happy, but i always feel on edge, waiting for something to sprain. taking flight but knowing when i land, i may crash. flirting with women feels like when i took belly dance. sensual, but soft. your body knows what to do, a twist of the hips, at home with myself and yet so self conscious. feminine and strong but foreign and taboo. as if my soul was on display as much as my body was. it feels safe, and warm, as natural as the dimples in my thighs. like looking in the mirror and realizing for the first time that i am beautiful, but quickly followed by shame and fear, anxious of who may shoot me down. both are fragile, women like a flower, men like glass. both terrify me, and yet i keep dancing

i went on a date today. the guy was very nice and he insisted on opening every door for me and payed for my food with zero hesitation. he was a little funny, and he laughed at all my jokes. he talked a lot. he didn't ask me very many questions about myself. he was tall, with nice hair. and he has nice green eyes. he has a good, loud laugh. but he looked different than i had expected, and i know that may make me shallow, but i've tried to like people for only their personality before and it didn't work. i need physical attraction, even if that makes me shallow. i didn't feel a spark. his attempts at flirting fell short, i wasn't sure how to respond to most of them. they weren't bad! i just felt numb. i get jealous of people who can go on dates and be casual around dating, but i rarely go on dates. i want real romance! i want butterflies in my stomach and fireworks when we kiss and someone thoughtful who listens to me and matches my intelligence and has their own interests and is attractive and kind and interesting!! i refuse to settle for bare minimum and hookups and convincing myself to be attracted to someone simply because they are nice. i know what i bring to the table, i recognize my strengths and weaknesses as they are, and i deserve someone who matches me, and loves me, and is right for me. and i will keep hoping for that love to find me! but wanting more, refusing to settle, being a hopeless romantic, it is so so lonely. i keep my standards high, but sometimes i wish they weren't because i feel so hopelessly alone. i'm so tired of being alone.

i wish i could rate this even higher!! genuinely one of the most beautiful interpretations of this story i have ever seen, this movie made me cry it was so good. it made me hate victor frankenstein, and his creature tugged at my maternal heartstrings. a reminder that film truly is an art form, i love it with all my heart!! also cutest scene ever: a leaf? for me? thank you! *creature grunts* 🍁🍂

After almost 7 months of living on my own in my new apartment, I FINALLY got a tv!! I'm watching HTTYD on it and eating grilled cheese, I'm so happy!

Sometimes I forget about all the good things happening in life, so as a reminder, I wanted to share some things that made me happy today! ♡my cat, Lentil Soup, was extra snuggly!♡ ♡I refrained from impulsive purchasing things I don't need, and my bank account says thank you♡ ♡the pretty girl with the bike came back to the deli today! She has short hair, round glasses, and a pretty smile. She wore a green scarf. I got nervous talking to her♡ ♡I found a heart shaped pickle at work today! I hope whoever ate that sandwich felt loved♡ ♡I ate 3 full meals today, and did very well with my hygiene!♡ ♡I watched Anne of Green Gables (1985) which made me feel happy and nostalgic♡ ♡I journaled for over an hour and processed a lot of stuff!♡ So ta da!! That's my good stuff! Also here is heart shaped pickle from my sandwich making adventures at my job:

today I stopped by bagel art cafe in Evanston and got a delicious bagel sandwich and some cinnamon coffee! sitting at a table facing the window so I can people watch while I sip my coffee and read my book. I'm reading Wildwood by Colin Meloy, and it's so cute! it's technically a kids/young adult book, but my sister recommended it to me and I like it a lot. it reminds me of the Chronicles of Narnia a little bit. besides, you're never too old for whimsy and fairytales in my opinion!! I will leave a review on it for y'all once I finish it!!

haagen-dazs mango sorbet is top tier!!! super creamy despite no dairy, tastes just like mango! it tastes extra good if you eat it in bed while watching anime

hi friends! i have been pretty inconsistent with posting lately because i've been having some health struggles, but my family and friends have been really good supports. today was a mixed day, full of good and bad. one of my neighbors was taken by ICE. it was really scary to witness, but i'm so grateful for the way the people in my neighborhood came out to protest and the support they showed. i hope my neighbor will be watched over. scary times we live in 💔 but what is really good about today was we celebrated my besties birthday! their actual birthday is tomorrow, but me and a few other friends met them for lunch at Olive Garden today!! i made a strawberry and vanilla cake, and i got so stuffed from all the yummy food! then we went to target and got some cute bag charms (i got a green t-rex and my bestie got a unicorn!) later on i saw my other friend on the train home, and we made plans to carve pumpkins on a day she doesn't have class and I don't have work, which are far and few between, but it will happen! now i'm in my old bedroom at my parents house with a cinnamon candle burning and my dad making soup in the kitchen while my mom works on lesson plans and my cat looks out the window at the rain. although these are sad and scary times, there are still moments of joy. i have to tell myself it will all be ok in the end, and if it's not ok, then it's not the end!

today I went to a nature preserve to go for a walk! I was going to have alone time, but then I got stung by a wasp, and so my lovely mom brought me benadryl and hugs. We walked around the nature preserve, and saw a dragonfly by the little pond! Although the day didn't go as planned, it was still wonderful!!

This was such a good read!! It reads like an interview in a magazine or something which I thought was incredibly creative.

Today I woke up bright and early at 4am, promptly rolled over and hit the snooze button too many times (whoops!!), and then had twenty minutes to get ready for work!!! Thursdays are technically my "Mondays" because I work the next five days, so it was an iffy start to the week, but luckily work was slow. I had a chill shift, full of cleaning, crabby customers, and gossiping with my manager Josh (he looooooves him some chisme) and then I clocked out at 2pm and took the train to the grocery store. Although I work at Jewel Osco, I prefer shopping at Aldi because it fits my budget much better! I then schlepped all my heavy groceries home on the train (baddies use reusable bags!!) and finally got home at 4pm to my silly little kitten, Lentil Soup, and my sweet turtle named Kevin. I'm finishing up my day with some cookies and tiktok scrolling, and I'm about to hop in the shower for a much needed cleansing. After showering, it'll be quesadilla making and Futurama watching time while my cat tries to chew on everything and my turtle obliviously swims! HELL YEAH