The last time I remember memorizing something by heart was in seventh grade. I was sitting in my teacher’s house, it was sweltering hot outside. The words in my biology textbook kept blurring into one while the intricately illustrated diagrams lured me deeper. I don’t remember what I was trying to rote, I doubt it was something as cliche as mitochondria being the powerhouse of the cell, but I do know I had something to prove. I wanted to establish myself as someone who was capable, intelligent, definitely a cut above my fellow classmates, all trying to accomplish the same thing. Flies buzzed by and the fan slowly blew through the room. As afternoon passed us by and my mom came to pick me up, I was quizzed. I had been awaiting this moment with bated breath, a chest full of anxiety and a need to vomit the words out before they’d dissolve. I succeeded.  I’m 24, almost 25 in 2 months. I was sitting in an uber, on my way to meet my friend at the airport. She had a layover in Mumbai before heading back on her way to the US. I should have been excited, but I was a mess instead. An impulsive decision to quit my last job without serving notice resulted in them threatening me with a legal notice. I had just received an email about this last night and couldn’t stop thinking about it. I kept checking my inbox and the strands of anxiety kept coiling tighter around my heart and throat. To distract myself, I started to scroll through twitter and stopped at this unremarkable post by a movie quotes account. It was a dialogue straight from Dune, “I must not fear.  Fear is the mind-killer.  Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.  I will face my fear.  I will permit it to pass over me and through me.  And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.  Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.  Only I will remain. - Litany Against Fear, Dune” I remember just pausing at this post and then, for the first time since I was 12, started memorizing it. I read the first line, then the 2nd and the 3rd, and paused. Closed my eyes like someone would soon test me on it and started repeating the words in my head. I didn’t try very hard to perceive the meaning behind it, though I doubt that would’ve been a very difficult task, but I was too focused on memorizing it as plainly as I could. Slowly, softly, I repeated the final line, “Only I will remain” and I almost laughed out loud. I did it. While this absurd exercise didn’t soothe the anxiety or, well, kill the fear, it did take me back to when I was a kid, feeling the same feelings for the same impulsive things I did at a smaller scale. It gave me relief for a few minutes. I don’t know what the point is of me writing this, I just vividly remember the harsh sun, the pellets of sweat racing down my back, the soft clink of the fan turning on its head as I tried to memorize a few pages of my biology textbook. Teenage and Twenties, they’re not much different. I wonder if my Thirties will be. Here’s to hoping I see them.

Absolutely missed watching the same cast across multiple seasons, great show. I loved how kind Patrick felt in the last few episodes specifically.

Woke up early. Swam a few laps while the air was still cool, then settled poolside with a warm cup of coffee and East of Eden. Feels like summer vacation all over again 🏊🏻‍♀️🍉🌞📖

Going to try living this month searching for the silver lining (or pink in this case)

I try to go with the flow. Not to think, but to feel. To be open to the world, rather than running from it. But I find myself staring out into the blue sky, and dreaming of soaring between the clouds. It is quiet, in my imagination. And I am happy. - Sky Pride

these days I play this song and try my best to drift to sleep. it takes me to a wider, kinder world.

Somedays when I peek my head out from my horde of Indie songs, I recall the greatness of mainstream pop music

obsessed with this song recently

180+ chapters of pure entertainment, it’s been so long since I read a webtoon.

“A complete life may be one ending in so full identification with the non-self that there is no self to die” — Bernard Benson Epigraph from The Passion According to G.H by Clarice Lispector

You know that feeling when you’re driving too fast and for a split second, you think about jerking the wheel into the barrier? Not because you want to die, but because you want to verify that you still have the power to do it? That is this book.

A strange, jagged, desperate, and cinematic soundscape. The synthesis of anxiety and rhythm feels correct for the world right now.