I recently got diagnosed with critical staphylococcus aureus, I feel like it's working it's way to my lungs and heart cause they haven't been functioning properly lately. Yesterday my under belly started hurting, I haven't seen my period in months...I hate having to think about sad stuff can't I just think about two straight male characters kissing? seems I shouldn't, I should be serious. I can't help but feel guilty for being alive, if 14 year old me found out she was dying or going to die which is something she looked forward to, she wouldn't be scared. Maybe I still have a bit of that spirit in me cause I didn't cry like I'd expect myself to break down crying but I didn't cause... I'm not sure why. I feel guilty that my mom is going to have to pay so much for my treatment, I feel guilty for actually wanting to live, I feel guilty for not thinking I owe my mom anything but I've really been trying to get over the thinks I went through as a kid, I finally start liking this thing called living and this happens hehehe, life really is funny. I recently watched I Want to Eat Your Pancreas(this was a few days before went for a test) it made me wonder if I should start writing goodbye letters, but now that I think about it there not too many people I would write to individually(my under belly is really hurting rn I kinda of want to cry haha).