Has there ever been a time in your life where you've wanted to run away - from everyone and everything you know, to change identities and start anew because somehow, some way, it'll fix everything? When you're so sick of yourself and the skin you're in, and the mind you have? I've had these thoughts for as long as I can remember. And it follows me no matter where I go. I feel like nothing I do will amount to anything, every screw up is just proof of that notion, and it beats me down because that's how it's always been... I wish I'd reincarnate... into a me that I'd actually be proud of because I find myself rather annoying (maybe it's the ADHD), I truly don't know. I find myself insufferable, too bubbly, too full-of-myself, too dumb, too sad... And starts to feel like bricks slathered with cement inbetween - the weight building and growing heavier. And it's usually over such silly mistakes where I beat myself down because if I do... then it'll hurt less when someone calls it out - wholly untrue as I cry with even the slight raise or infliction in the tone of someones voice. And it hurts more when it comes from those I admire and consider very close to me. It's like a blade over my head, ready to strike, but I'll never know when. It just daggles there above me, just in the corner of my peripheral, always aware, never fully relaxed. I can't do anything right, yeah?
I believe I'm too whimpy. I take everything to heart. Like I said, if someone I admirers tone changes just slightly to a more negative infliction - I want to cry. I struggle to express myself, I can never find the words, I'm too scared to argue, to scared to voice myself. I want to vanish. I want no one to know me. Wouldn't that be simple?
