Five years. That's how long we had each other's backs, how long we laughed over the stupidest things, how long we swore we'd be different-that no matter what, we wouldn't end up like those friendships that crumble over nonsense. But here we are. Five years, undone by something so ridiculous I still can't believe it. I keep replaying it in my head, searching for the moment where everything cracked, trying to pinpoint the exact second we stopped being us. Maybe it doesn't even matter anymore. And the strangest part is... some of it is gone. Just... missing. Like my mind decided certain memories weren't worth keeping, like it knew holding onto them would only make it worse. My psychologist says it's normal... just my brain protecting itself. Still, it's unsettling, knowing that there are gaps where whole pieces of us used to be. But not everything disappeared. Some things linger. The weight of your presence, even in your absence. The echoes of laughter in moments that should be silent. The way certain places feel heavier now, like they're grieving too. So, thank you. For the memories, both the ones I still have and the ones that slipped through my fingers. For proving that even the people who once felt like home can leave behind ruins instead. And for the scars-because even if I don't remember everything, I'll always remember how it felt.

Seseorang pernah bertanya padaku, "bagaimana sih rasanya dirayakan seperti yang dinyanyikan Nadin?" dirayakan itu rasanya hangat. ada kelegaan di hatimu, seolah dunia yang sering terasa terlalu luas dan dingin tiba-tiba mengecil, cukup untuk menampung keberadaanmu. bukan soal hadiah atau tepuk tangan, tapi tentang merasa berarti... bahwa keberadaanmu diakui, bahwa jika kamu menghilang, ada yang akan menunggu dan mencari kamu. dirayakan itu bukan tentang pesta, setidaknya menurutku. karena dirayakan bisa dalam bentuk kecil. seperti nama yang disebut dalam percakapannya dengan orang lain, tempat duduk yang disisakan di meja makan, atau sekadar pesan yang berbunyi: “aku senang kamu ada di sini." dirayakan itu lebih dari apapun, dirayakan adalah merasa dilihat tanpa harus berteriak, merasa diterima tanpa harus meminta, merasa dipeluk tanpa harus memohon.

We kissed. Inside that tiny, swaying pod, surrounded by city lights and neon colors that blurred through the glass, we kissed. Soft music played faintly in the background, weaving its way into the moment, making everything feel like it was meant to happen. Maybe it was the height, the thrill of being suspended between the earth and the stars. Or maybe it was the way her hand fit into mine, as if it was made to be there. Her eyes caught mine, and the look she gave me was enough to make my heart stumble. Then it just happened. Her lips brushed against mine, soft and unsure at first, like we were testing the edges of something fragile. The neon lights outside cast a warm glow over us, but all I saw was her. The curve of her smile, the way her breath mingled with mine, the way she felt impossibly close yet never close enough. Time didn't stop, but I think we did just for a second. Long enough to leave a piece of ourselves up there, spinning with the wheel, the melody still playing softly in the background as a promise we wouldn't forget.

the drizzle painted the evening with a quiet romance, as the street buzzed with life. people passed by, each carrying their own story; flowers wrapped in delicate paper, small bags of street snacks, cameras capturing fleeting moments. among them, there was three of us: hand in hand, sharing a snack, and a simple beautiful bouquet. this was Jl. Tunjungan, a street alive with tales. mine, yours, and theirs. all unfolding under Surabaya's gentle rain.

i can't seem to fall asleep tonight. my mind is racing with thoughts, and i feel so overwhelmed. i guess writing this down will help me sort things out. i wonder about the concept of a trauma that i don't think makes sense. i think trauma is like getting into a car accident. you might survive, but the scars stay, reminding you of what happened. your body keeps working, but there's something inside you that feels broken. its really unfair that you have to carry this burden. "crazy how trauma isn't your fault but it's your responsibility to heal." truer words have never been spoken. a part of me was missing but i was told to keep moving forward, to keep growing, when i wasn't even sure i had the strength to stand up. it's so unfair, isn't it? the idea that i have to bear the burden of healing from something that was done to me, something that destroyed me in a way that im still trying to understand. why should i be responsible for a rift that someone else caused? a scar that damaged my soul? it wasn't fair. GRRRRRRRR4RRRRR its so freaking unfair. i didn't ask for this? im the victim here, but im the one who has to fix it? im the one who has to put the pieces back together? to find a way to feel whole again? it's exhausting. *inhale* *exhale* sometimes... i think about who i used to be. it feels like a lifetime ago. its like im a completely different person now and its crazy that something bad can change you so much. i miss the old me who wasn't afraid to do her own thing. you know, the one who'd go to a movie alone or grab dinner by herself? the one who wasn't nervous in crowds? the one who would hop on a bus to nowhere, just to see what she'd find? yeah... i miss her. so the poiny is... nothing. aku cuman nulis random aja. aneh banget rasanya aku harus, "omg... dulu aku suka itu" waktu lihat sesuatu yang anehnya aku lupa kalau dulu pernah suka kaya makanan, minuman, lagu, dll. rasanya aneh juga waktu dateng ke suatu tempat yang kayanya baru ini kesini atau tempat yang sebenernya biasa aja tapi waktu menginjak tempat itu langsung, "omg... perasaan ini?" turns out itu tempat yang dulu seringnaku dstengin dan punya banyak cerita (baru inget atm include relapse alay) atau, "oh... kayanya aku familiar sama hal ini?" di sesuatu yang dulu aku hobiin. otakku sudah lupa tapi kayanya badanku masih ingat. grrrrrrrrrrr. i hate this.