People often say, "Hit the iron while it's hot." But when it comes to adulting, I feel like most of my energy goes into lighting the fire to heat up the iron. Some days, it is easy. The light turns up with a single spark of a lighter. On other days, multiple matchsticks break before a single one lights up. I feel like I'm going through a matchstick phase. I'm working on professional projects, personal projects, and saying yes to almost everything in hope of finding what stability means to me. Today also, I worked on publishing a Substack piece that I had been working on for a long time and promoted it on Instagram. I have to make more posts and reels, update CV, and get more gigs. But before that I shall rest. A tired hand can't light up any matchsticks. I hope you get to rest too. Good night <3 PS: Today's temperature was 46°C. The weather app says tomorrow it will be two degrees hotter. I feel like the day I see temperature reach 50°C isn't far away. In that case, I'm the iron (don't hit on me though xD).

I believe that I don't have a clear picture of myself, so I overthink or underthink about myself. I do feel much more clear about my likes, dislikes, and opinions. I can recognise and articulate my emotions. I can build a nearly hyper-realistic painting of each little aspects of mine, but everything becomes blurry the moment I have to see the complete portrait. Perhaps, my brain has nearsightedness too. It only recognises me in parts and pieces. Because of this sometimes I feel like I'm playing a role, speaking lines that align with an image. Now, as to how I realised this: I received compliments from three or four people today. I accepted them kindly and returned a few as well. But I couldn't soak in the compliments, because the painting they're complimenting only reveals itself to me in parts and pieces. Someone might call me beautiful, and I would feel warm. But I can't see the face that they see smiling at them. Other might compliment my work, but all I could see was the numerous trials and errors. So, I miss out of finding strength through validation (internal and external both) until I can see the bigger picture or complete portrait of myself.

I woke up tired today and assumed it was because of my poor sleep schedule. I haven't been able to sleep more than 6 hours, while I feel the best at 8-9 hours of sleep. But it turned out, I was sick. By noon I had fever. I tried checking the temperature and thermometer kept showing 103°. It might be broken because I think the actual temperature was somewhere between 100-101° max. Nevertheless, I took the afternoon/evening off from work. Took OTC medicine and slept for 2-3 hours. I woke up much more fresh. I still had some fatigue so I took another dose for night. I hope this is simply due to weather, work, and poor sleep instead of virus or bacteria. I don't want to visit the doctor or do anything that requires money. I have been very frugal. I don't like using money unless it's absolutely necessary.

It's 31°C at midnight. When I was younger, 31°C was the peak temperature in the afternoon. And it use to be taken very seriously. Now, I'm going to bed with dropping wet hair to cool off. May the temperature become normal again. Good night❤️

I wouldn't describe myself as a person prone to anger. I can be argumentative or unnecessarily opinionated, but anger isn't a frequent emotion. On most days, I can simply walk into a different room or spend a few moments in solitude to get control of my anger. But things are changing. The time between annoyance and anger is getting shorter, and the time between anger and calm longer. It is like I'm craving to scold someone. I don't want to fight or argue, just scold someone. Which is an extremely new emotion for me, and I am still trying to understand the hows and whys about it. I'm also very careful to not let my annoyance get misplaced on someone. But it does show up as mild nagging at work or an unnecessarily sharp comeback. I suspect it's the 40°C temperature + 48-hour weekly shifts. Will have to observe more. Ps: The image is me nagging a colleague about a statistic. We eventually decided to remove that statistic and use a generic sentence. xD

I'm chasing numbers everyday. Sometimes they are deadlines on a callender and sometimes they are contact in my phone directory. I'm intimidated by the numbers on my peers' social media accounts, and the numbers in my bank book. I'm comforted by the remaining timestamp in my favourite drama's episode, and the page numbers of my favourite books. There are some numbers that pass by without much impact, some years, some ages, or a roll number from that exam I dreaded. While I don't love the numbers as much as words, I can't stop chasing or running away from either.

The first thing I wanted to do when I woke up today was to sleep. But I went through the demands of the day, eventually crashing in the noon. The work thing is okay for now too. I'm still out of the loop, but things don't seem too dire. I don't think, that I think much nowadays. I watch dramas, read books, and perhaps somewhere I might get a thought. But I haven't really dug my teeth into anything because all my energy goes into work. I honestly don't want to think about anything else either. The past feels too far away, and the future dependent on today. But, ironically I have already outgrown present. So, I'm trying my best to arrive in a time where I can belong. And sadly rn it means working to have enough meals and sleep to reach that time. So everything is work and I work. Unrelated, but my forhead looked good to me today when I opened camera to click a picture of coffee.

I just want to go to bed. I laughed so much today and finally had a day where I actually had some breathing space. But when I shared a document that I have been working on for past two weeks, I got to know that my CEO had asked one of my teammates to stop working on the project. I haven't heard anything, and feel very out of loop. It's a stage which invites anxiety, so I just want to sleep. This isn't the first bridge that feels shakey, and wouldn't be the last that I have to cross.

I wish the best for the month as I chant, "I'm a lemon tree," "I'm a lemon tree," "I too superbloom under stress."

I'm trying to form a predictable relationship with uncertainty. I've known her for a while, and in retrospect I think I had an amiable connection with her. For instance, in December 2016, I was certain about her growing presence in my life. I lived in a tiny walled water body, where she only appeared as an uninvited current. That year, I extensively documented my days, knowing that I wouldn't be attending school again. It was a silly thought for a 10th grader, but I knew that uncertainty rules outside the schedules of institutions. "I'm going to miss the certainty of Mondays," I had said to my friends, already feeling the turbulent presence of uncertainty in the flow of time. They had nodded in understanding. Ever since, I've chased the safe shores of schedules at work and home. And uncertainty has only grown violently closer to me. She keeps building behind my back, only to slap me in the face when I turn back to acknowledge her. Today, I feel her presence growing again, and I'm tired. So, I wish to embrace her when she comes rushing to engulf me this time. I'll give her a tight hug, tumbling in unfamiliar directions, and continue again, wherever and whenever. I'll be resilient and persistent. Not like a rock that erodes over time, but like a seaweed that takes root anywhere, everywhere, no matter.

I got two "you're first" back to back, and it makes me feel so unique xD perks of being an early user, I guess.