I hate how the only thing that reminds me of something is that specific person. I just hate it. How that person changed how i looked cars, how i suddenly could open the helmet foam to wash it clean, how i knew a bit about cars. I hate when I know some of it. How i wanted to go to cars event even tho i didn't know anything about it, i just remember how i used to go there and have someone to lead through it all. Even though I'm alone right now I have the desire to go there but what should I do if I get there and just admire things that I didn't like even in the first place, I just liked it because someone brought me over and it still lingered in me longer than I thought. I don't even have interest in cars, in automotive, things and things. I hate it so much how it lingers on me until now. I can't unlearn it, I live with it. I took interest when nice cars passed by, get amused. But I can't do anything about it, it's just there. Just like cigeratte smoke that lingers in your clothes even if you stop smoking.

How could I forget someone that hurt me in a way I never did to myself either. How can I forgive them? How can I let them have a good life while I'm suffering here. How can you call it a fair game when it's never fair at first. You took everything from me, left me nothing. How could I be patient and accept everything when you're out there with some girl that you're cheating with. How could I not mourn this part of myself that has been hurt by you. You never called it what it was, you never made it clear and talked to me. “U never care abt me tho.” I said with tears streaming down my face. “i always care about you.” He said without any changes in his action towards me. As a person who needs an explanation. How could I leave everything behind when that was my everything. How could I sit here and just wondering why you did this to me in the first place. What did I do wrong? When all of this happened? Is this what i get after everything happens? You are the first person who asked me. You are the one who says everything to just believe in you. I did. But at what cost? How could you do anything that hurt me and didn't say anything at the end of your act. I just sat there with pictures of you and her. “Are you cheating on me? Who is she? Is he someone you love? Why did you kiss her on the cheek? Why did you guys hug each other with smile on your face? Am i stupid in here? How can you did this to me?” I cried while looking at those pictures. How you guys are just sweet as a lover. “No! I'm not cheating on you. She's just my friend, I want to stay with you. I really beg you, honey, to give me a chance to prove that I won't be weird anymore. I've also stopped contacting her. I'm really ready to be tried by your parents, I'm ready to be responsible for this to you and your parents." “Cowards.” I said it. With all of my heart. “What kind of friends are you till you can kiss them on the cheek, was it my fault? Am I not enough for you to just look at me? Am I not the only person you wanted?” My voice was shaking. The walls are become blurry, the floor is shaking as my world is almost collapsed in one night. Everything that I've built for this past year. You tried to explain everything to me, but you didn't make it clear. You just defend yourself. You wanted to run after all. It's been almost a year after the hurts, but you know what? It never leaves me. It never left me until now, it stayed, it creeps inside my bones whenever I remember what you did to me last year. The tears I get when I am with you are more than when I am alone without you. The days I can't stop my tears, how I slam my chest because I cannot stand the pain I get in my body, the screaming, the days I can't think of anything, the days when my brain goes blank and there's nothing of you in it. The memories of you are gone, I can't even remember were we even in a relationship before all of this happened? My brain blocked all of the memories when you are in it. The days I cannot feel how hollow it is now, the days I feel how unfair when I get all the pain and you are out there continue your relationship with her. How defensive she was when I was confronted about you and her, how rude she was towards me, the pain when I read everything she said. "So are you in a relationship with him?" I asked her slowly and carefully because I couldn't stand how hurt it might be. “Yes. I am in relationship with him. But don’t worry you’re the one who is longer with him.” “For how long?” “9 months.” She looked happy. “But I have been with him for 1 year and a half. So you guys met each other and decided to continue it?” “Yes.” How happy she is when you are no longer with me and both of you continue your life without anything in the past holding both of your hands, begging to explain everything. But you throw it away with all the nonsense explanation towards me. Even till these days, it still stayed with me. It was part of what I needed to go through so I can be someone as I am today, but the pain still stayed. “We are done. I’m out from this relationship. You are cowards, you didn’t explain it to me until the end of the day. You are defensive as hell. You are denial that you got caught. You are disrespect me. I’m questioning myself, my worth, my time, my heart, how i’m in pain when i’m with you until the end of this relationship.” “I’m sorry.” he said. That's all what he said to me until the very end of this relationship. All of the time that I spent with him. All the love. It's all gone in one night. He just say sorry, but he didn’t explain everything to me for why he did that. And because of this, i got nothing but broken hearted. My first ever boyfriend, my first experience, my first love. It all ruined. I never experience all of this thing, bad breakup, got cheated on, he left without any guilt. He gone. Me? Nothing than standing still and questioning everything.