i just woke up, and still feel a bit deprived idk i just experienced that finally knowing my own absolute truth (identitically and epistemically) and reason to go still doesnt make it any easier to do my part, or even what they said about “calling” i dont want to make this as a more complicated reflection than necessary but i think i can pull out the insight inside these feelings emm, i randomly watched a podcast this night, where the guest said one of the worst pieces of advice is to chase happiness, then his second-order argument is: people should do something for their own meaning, or even at a higher state, it is about a greater calling its interesting to me because its also what i worked on lately (not very lately because its actually been months💀), especially because of the way he extracts the points between happiness and suffering as opposite conditions, which could also be an act of oversimplifying. but that also makes me reflect back on a glimpse of what moments have made me happiest ever, surprisingly that was djarum events, especially the leadership development one .. djarum events are when i feel the most deprived in my life😭: the feeling of anticipation itself, like “damn what and how will it be”, the overwhelmingly packed activities (kesana kemari and likely just sleeping for around 3 hours, if not, for a day) (and the agendas had clear objectives and execution plans), the sense of “TF THERE IS SO MANY PEOPLE, HELPPPPP” and intentional connecting, and most importantly, there was so little to no noise at all to think about anything else (i could barely survive and hold my mind together during those events) and if i can choose the peak happiest one, it was the second night of that leadership development event, when we had already finished our main main agenda of the competition in the event, i was too tired and randomly slept in my friend’s room, just for around 15 mins until they woke me up to eat the gacoan they ordered (they picked the one that fit my preferences best), and me and them ate together while talking on the balcony (i was half asleep) .. i think thats heaven so if i can compress what actually made me happy at that time, it was: * i truly pushed myself, did something meaningful (because the agenda topic also connected with my interests) to my limits, and i was fulfilled by the sense of it * the essential part was that i had people who held me without any expectations or hypotheses, everyone was soft with each other, maybe because we knew from experience how hard the agenda was * and the sweet spot between those two like there is something heavenic in the order of: anticipation - deliberate actions/attunement in patience - acceptance and soft release and surprisingly, its not something that can be replicated easily, not every moment that makes anticipation truly meaningful, too much deliberate action and the sense of holding on can create suffering, not every situation gives you the exact feedback you likely need, and not everything gives you that kind of ‘right’ acceptance to softly release. so perhaps thats why for me those moments only happen once or sometimes in my life back to the topic of suffering, the formula i extracted before shows the sweet sequences and balance more than what only suffering shows up as the most significant one, and uniquely, as i know deeper, it actually connects a lot to what emotions we tie most to our kind of meaning and … funnily, our sense of worth💀 for the raw example, i used to, and still have a bit of residual tendency, to tie my sense of worth to suffering too, but specifically to holding things together and keeping properly going, actually there is nothing special in this, especially if youre the youngest daughter lmaoo. it feeds the ego that saves the belief system and our own life narrative until we stop because we encounter something that breaks the system itself what makes me interested about the guest is, he was truly smart, clearly an intellectual with his own style of using technocratic language, and his age was perhaps something like 4x decades or more — even when we acknowledge time is an illusion, we have already tied moments and abstractions of meaning to the life we subjectively experience. one or two significant feelings can sometimes over-brighten other feelings that are perhaps also worth appreciating (like the past example), and intelligence could be a double-edged sword that makes us justify the way we interpreted something and then choose based on it in good or bad ways, depending so .. yeah, the actual variables are: * our sense of our intelligence, not merely the intelligence itself * and time, how much attachment we have to that sense and the actual wealth are: * genuine curiosity, epistemic humility * and the tying of meaning to the process of orientation and reorientation, not merely to the sense of causal effects (like if this then that) that surprisingly also supports the order of the heavenic state i extracted before: anticipation - deliberate actions/attunement in patience - acceptance and soft release (everyone could have different things because its cognitively personalized hehe) and .. back to the very first topic, i think what makes me feel so deprived and still hard to go eventho i know the clear truths and the why is .. simply because i dont have the safe space for that acceptance and soft realease part to close down the sequence lol wtf💀🥰