i used to truly want to be a mom, like even before i knew i wanted to be a good daughter and a good little sister (my ignorant ass just made that happen lately 🧍🏻‍♀️) i wanted to be a mom first lol until one day i realized there was something different about the way i’m wired and process things, not necessarily wrong in a bad way, but i acknowledged that i process things far more complexly than necessary, while sometimes processing them less properly at the times when simplicity is actually what’s needed (accepting that after years of my mom calling me “abnormal” throughout my childhood lol) then likely three years ago, i told myself i wanted to reparent myself first, and i did, quite meeting my kpis now and feeling a bit satisfied about it, but funnily, that reparenting program took a massive workload: that is more i know about how reality works, the more i acknowledge the complexity, the more i doubt, and the more i accept imperfection as the absolute state of everything such right now, even when i feel like i know how to navigate things, it’s still hard to always be present for ewa (my niece) and truly be there whenever she wants or needs me (how crazy it is to experience a child becoming personally attached to you) and after i thought my internal tools had finally been completed, i realized what the missing piece actually was, something that had quietly been there throughout almost all of my relationships too consistency (that also supports predictability) it’s hard to be present for something that constantly demands our presence, especially when we can’t fully be that present for ourselves first overall i feel grateful for this insight and lesson, especially after my mom cried like a little girl to me for the first time last week, that i realized how grateful i am to know what it feels like to truly be in touch with myself without carrying such heavy baggage, and i want my mom to be able to have that too and i also realized the trap that tells us we have to become “everything” first before giving anything, which is also an illusion but now i think one of the hardest-earned lessons of adulthood might simply be learning to be present: to give to keep showing up for someone (including us), even when we aren’t completely full or fully capable ourselves to do it consistently, even if it’s just a little at a time, enough to create stability and maybe translation (communication) is the cherry on top, allowing us to mutually accept just how imperfect everything can be, no matter how sincerely we’re trying and i think it applies to almost everything so .. i still get to grow by myself grow alongside my niece while supporting her own development as her own little human grow alongside my mom while giving love to the little girl within her so i think these past two years (since ewa was born), and the upcoming years, will become an amazing foundation and a season of life i will truly miss one day, hmm (just thinking about it makes me feel excited)