I longed for something fond. Something that is genuine, gentle, and full of warmth. Something that i clearly know would only come from a thing that we called love. One day i was wondering, staring blankly at the ceiling and thinking of how could i get that chance. To love, and to be loved? it was nearly impossible. But i didn't give up. I tried, as i long, more like a yearn to feel any love in between the chaos of harm i feel in my life. Between every open scars i have in my body and mind, between every loud noises screaming through my head. I long for nothing but a melody of affection. Until one truly came to my life, coming from someone i used to called as a lover. At least that's what i thought. The one that taught me what love would be, what love feels like, and unfortunately also how tough it actually is. I never understand what it's like to be loved properly, so- I took whatever it is to feel. I'm broken, too broken to fix, too hard to be taught about what's right and what's not. I could be a burden to literally anyone. Even to my own self. So the other day, that 'me' finally realized. That love should be mutual and comes naturally from both sides. Not something that feels like forced by doing too much to make it work. So by that, I'm giving up on it again. Rethinking my own urge to have it in my life when I'm not even ready to maintain and work for it. I realized how hard and how hurtful it is, even promised myself to not fallin for the trap twice. Love ever once sounds like a threat to me. Something that i should avoid, something that is not worth it, and something that is fake. I totally gave up on it. Refocusing everything to myself, remanage myself and the world around me. Fixing what should have stayed, what should be understood, and what should be twisted. I finally know how to learn about myself, and suddenly the love isn't a need anymore. Not because i don't want it, but the more i understand myself, the more i feel like I'm not deserved for love. Otherwise, people always say that love would come in the most unexpected way and time, which surprisingly applied to me. In the middle of my chaos and messy personality, a love approach me— in the way that is more than gentle for the entry, in a way that patience is not enough to describe, in a way that slow burn trope couldn't even compare, and in a form that I've always thought impossible. It's called friends. Friends was something i thought would never have. Not even nearly impossible, but it was clearly impossible. Knowing how different, unlovable, and freak i am, there's no way i would find a friend that would stay, or even match. But unfortunately, there is. Which made my self esteem questioning if this just another way for the universe play with my sanity or it's actually the time for me to taste friendship. Thank god, it's the latter. I used to look at my favorite group, wondering how could they have so much fun around each other, being so touchy, hug, fond, full of love, and being so so so affectionate towards each other. I thought they were just gay. or maybe they are. But— Back to myself, it fucking happened to me. Unless i might be real gay, but let's put that topic for the aftermath. I really am fall for the love named friendship, has the audacity to feel in deep over MY FRIEND'S feeling, having the urge to help anytime they feel down, even have the moment where we confess over how important we are for each other. This will sounds romantic between 2 person but it happened between THREE which doesn't make sense to be bonded and attached this much. Love happened in the most unexpected way and it happened in my most unhinged friendship ever who comes from trauma bonding and dirty jokes but surprisingly made our string tighter and leads us to dream of our future funeral. The hell am i supposed to romanticize that. But love is love, and so do us. Despite all of the unhinged thing we did or talk, they always feels like home to me. Something that I've been longing for a very long time. Something that i use to describe as genuine, fond, and warm. Because no matter how loud our conversation is, it's actually softer in our heart. No matter how much we fight over each other, the warmth still keep us intact. I know I'm doomed cause my love is fulfilled by my own friends, no lover would be needed. But who cares about lover and marriage when we even plan to have our death close. Sounds suicidal and we might are, but that's what makes us, us. I can cry over how much i miss my friend, i don't even care if someone would take it as gay but i do miss them and i will cry anytime it happened. I can write a long letter wishing them a good day and i don't care if people thought that we're in a situationship cause i might kiss them anyway. Cause i longed for love, and now i have it. I wouldn't think twice to describe love with the name of two person who don't even know my favorite color but definitely know my mental state. And when i asked what it's like to be loved, i will always say our name. The one that we once called friendship— before it changes to my other half.