everytime I think, things are getting better, life just slaps me hard to make me remember who i truly am. after all these years one thing i have come to understand that i hate people, I just can't stand them, I hate the outside world, I hate the noises that make me forget who i am, what i am even doing in the first place. people. these creatures are the most dangerous species i have ever seen in my short span of life, everyday these creatures wear masks so that I can't see their real faces, their motives. these creatures act nice around you, but whenever there is a chance for stabbing you right on your back, they will do it without any hesitation. they don't listen, they only talk, its always a one way communication. I have frozen shoulder, doctor says its due too much stress, anxiety but I know why, its the burden that I now refuse to carry. I refuse to drag this burden. I think I have considerable amount of burden that I physically and mentally can't carry anymore but right now one more burden just got added to my inventory and thats why I am writing like a maniac. people twist words so easily so perfectly as if its their innate capability and it mesmerises me so much. I am someone who says sorry, more than anything in a single day. I think saying sorry even though I clearly know that I haven't done anything wrong will clear my name out of it, but it never does. the sudden wave of anxiety and depression which were always there lurking in the background just hit me. I can feel it. I remember I said sorry a number of times to my father, but he never came back, did he ? I try to forget everything, but everything just spirals into the same thing and i don't know what to make out of it. my brain doesn't listen to me anymore, I am helpless. people think having memories is a blessing but i think the opposite i wish to have alzheimer's just so I can wipe out every bits of my memory that tortures me everyday. I try to forget, I try to. It feels like I am living inside a tower of cards, a single blow is all it takes, and it rumbles down right in front of your eyes as if there wasn't any exsistence of this earlier. one single blow from anyone, makes me go insane, makes me spiral into the same thing. I can't differentiate my thoughts anymore its a mush, a disgusting unrecognizable mush. I feel like I am constantly burning, I feel like someone has set me on fire. who said you need to die, to go to heaven or hell. I am living in a hell, my hell. and my brain somehow hates me more than anyone could ever do.