(write it as i think about it and just take it as it is) some summary p.s. i know this is long, but thank you for reading it anyway 🫶🏻🫶🏻 i was still trying to figure out how to describe my experience in these past years, that everything that i have done seemed to have done me entirely more than what i did to them jumping straight into thinking about policy, the complexity of global governance and politics, and urban innovation reconstructed me so much. idk if maybe i was invested too much, or if i’m just objectively that sensitive that the things i figured out somehow worked their own way into my very essence like, for example, maybe for the sake of it, i just had to work on a street vendor case. but later on, it became more about the incentives, history, accessibility, identity, governance, inequality, memory, and flows the ongoing chain of changed perception. these domains demanded that i clean my own reality and morality lens first, rather than just being smart and working on something. i did everything i could… until i grieved. i grieved a lot. as i cared and i built, then i lost, only to build again. i grieved a lot because at the core, it simply means this: we always have more things to consider, and more things to be considered about. but somehow, we will always have limited freedom to choose what our birthright naturally gives us as human beings. i feared that what i have would come as both a blessing and a responsibility, and that what i aspire toward would become dreams and perhaps even the illusion that hinders me from being present and yesterday was the 40th day of om wowo’s passing. i swear i didn’t even spend that much time with dani, but we grew up together for almost two decades, and i’ve always been quite sensitive to something called grieving. but that made me realize something i used to think that maybe, to go somewhere, i might have to lose everything i had before. that i had to go there alone, and work on myself as best as i could so i could do something better for everyone else, all for the sake of service. looking back, there was such an arrogance in that way of thinking that moment made me realize that what makes me happiest is simply being there for my loved ones, my friends, and my family, in both their highs and their lows. just being there. openly caring, and being taken care of. and just living well with what i have then, if i were asked what death happened yesterday within me, i hope that instead of listing how tired i was, or how close i came to giving up on everything, i could simply say: that was the death of perceived isolation the death of disconnection the death of the illusion of competence and i’m happy to say that i was born again with the people who genuinely love me holding my hands and making sure to ask, “bisa beneran nggaaa?” or “kamu mau apa?” and “mau makan yuk?” i used to be proud of securing more than ten global fellowships within just a year, and of having my venture listed as one of the top 100 urban innovations globally for two consecutive years but currently, i feel so blessed just to spend another night laughing with my friends and eating something good with my family, that makes me feel this year, as a year of grieving and failures, is incredibly rich than what last year, the year of accomplishment and acceleration, gives then i wonder what i can give and contribute next with this type of openness and blissfulness, but rather than thinking about it, i just want to keep choosing love, love people now, and be well