im beginning to miss the times when i didn't think about one person all the time, didn't adjust my time for them, their views and pace and situations. i miss being there with myself and just embracing my hobbies, instead of losing interest in them. im beginning to think i was happier healthy, when all i thought about was myself and my friends, before everything fell apart. now it feels like having no distraction will pull me back into misery, restlessness, and the struggle of getting up from bed. my friends were my distraction once. and i used to be so naturally outgoing and sweet to the people i care about, i dont know what happened now. my shows and hobbies werr my distraction once, but sitting around feels so draining. my phone used to be my distraction, but all i ever do now is wait for the message of the boy i love and passing the time when he doesnt. i barely use my phone now, except for texts really. doomscrolling, clearing of storage. so yesterday i drew again, and i hate how quick i get tired of drawing after one good sketch. the other day i played my guitar to let out my feelings, it felt really nice. i miss reading books without my eyes or head hurting. i miss romanticizing life with my books, going about life and goals at my own pace. not having to think of how ill see this boy when our time is free. im aware that i dont have a healthy attachment with this person. and it makes me sad how difficult it is for me to care about someone without feeling so anxious all the time. my friend told me once that she knows im scared of change, and she's so right about that. change is just a fear of discomfort and unfamiliarity, and the lack of trust i have in myself and the ones i love. so i miss when things felt good and just right. when i was myself, with myself, and experienced things for my self-growth. when i wasnt numb to my surroundings and dismissed a lot of happenings, both good and bad. and only one thing mattered. how ill adjust myself to the change in routine. how ill avoid failure. how ill prevent bad things that could happen to me, even though it hasnt happened yet. but even when things felt good and right, i still had moments of difficulty, emptiness and loneliness. it was still there. the only difference is, i didnt have a partner to worry about too. and i dont know which one is better. partner or no partner. it gets to me too, how ill balance my studies and love life, and family. but the family issue is there for a lifetime, studies are catching up to me, and love life is a side quest that takes up too much screen time. i hope this year i can find a way to balance it out in the best way for me, even if i lose one. im afraid of losing anything, but if im afraid all the time, how will i improve?