In Malcolm Gladwell's 'David and Goliath', the author makes multiple references to the size of fish relative to their ponds. It's not about actual fish, of course. It was about the abilities of humans and the environments they thrive in. His conclusion was that small fish thrive in small ponds, while big fish thrive in ponds suited to their size. One example i vividly remember is that of a science student who could not keep up with the classes at her posh Ivy League uni, dropped out, took up a completely different subject in a much smaller university, and found herself thriving. I've been thinking about this concept a lot over the past few nights. When I left my little rural town for the big state capital city, I knew that I was leaving behind a pond much too small for me. After all, i adapted so well to the big city, it felt like I was made for bigger places. I spent many more years at the state capital, and throughout it all I remained at the top. Maybe not all the time; it was a real struggle making it fully to the top by the end of 12th grade, but I did do it. And through it all, I believed myself to be suited for even bigger ponds. Ponds at the national, maybe even international level. As such, I made my way to the national capital, to a big glamorous DU college,,,,,, and found myself way out of my depth. I've been thinking about my recent unemployment (again lol) and I think DU is where my downfall began. DU was too big a pond for this fish. And ykw? I despise admitting that. I hate it, i absolutely abhor it. I've excelled at everything my whole life, but now I find I don't any more. It's physically suffocating me, even thinking that no greater futures await me. I have so many ambitions, I spent so many years on my current dreams. but is this my limit? can I no longer make it to any bigger ponds? why is it that things that are so hard to me come so easily to others? if in the beginning we were at different starting points, that's alright with me, but why am I still so behind after so many years? everybody else seems to be racing ahead. is it because I didn't work hard enough? but why is it that those who are working less than me, are still so much smarter than me? why can't I figured out what I'm doing wrong? is this pond beyond me? did I already reach my limit back at school? am I finally doomed to a life far mediocre to the one I imagined for myself? wow even thinking about it is making my heart break into a million different pieces. idk how much more time I have left to bring this dream to fruition. thinking about alternatives is too painful. so I guess I'll just dream on about this one. till I finally run out of time. till I can't dream anymore. till then, I'll dream of the biggest pond there is.