tw: this is a long ahh rant.. i don't know who will read this fully and whether they'll sympathize or think i'm pathetic but i need to pour my feelings out </3. it was fine till october, this year. tbh it wasn't. i lost my cat of 8 years to some disease, but it was supposed to happen. she was old and tired and probably didn't want me to watch her. and so she left.. around 6:30 in the morning, alone. i hugged her cold body, cried for hours before i told her "i'll meet you again, someday" and finally let her sleep in her small place. i hope she forgives me for giving her such a tiny place to rest, it's all i've got. i barely survived that.. barely. since 2018, she has witnessed a flood, my mother's heart surgery, my two surgeries. i've witnessed her getting attacked by a male cat, protecting a kitten because she never had one, and tearing up under the blanket i gave her. she had a bruise on her leg and i begged my mom to take her to the hospital. she survived around 3 times from all the attacks. but fate really had other plans. july 21 was the farewell to my eternal companion. however, knowing she is resting well really helped me stop crying. i miss her, time flew, it's been 6 months. december 12 was the day i saw her and went "yes, you're going to be my companion for life". and the joke? i'm born on november 12. alas, she was the old lady who was 10+ years old. despite being a grandma, she looked like she was 5. small, not chubby, not long.. while the little kitten she took care of was BIGGER, LONGER AND HEAVIER. would sell my organs and everything - EVERY THING - to see and hold her little paws. the only thing that kept my heart alive and beating. was so excited to go home 'cause i know she'll be waiting. if she isn't, she is asleep. if she isn't asleep, she would come running from the terrace or the kitchen. she was loyal. she was the prettiest to me. anyways, this december happened (2025 is a cursed year fr). everything was going down by the last week of October. but eh, me and my little hopes dangling from a tree... not knowing that autumn will come and that little hope will slowlyyyy fall (the last leaf reference). i had a friend who had a group of friends. she added me to the group. as an awkward, introverted, and scared individual, i didn't talk in the group. but this person noticed me and messaged me personally, got to know me, gave me so many nicknames and many more.. promises? that was 2020. for the love of god, i fell for bro ✨, in 2022. we stayed platonic due to commitment issues but finally gave into it and started dating in April 2024. ldr, not that long, the same state, just different districts. but teenagers and no money money so we stayed ldr. my loyal ahh was so loyal, reason? she stayed away for an year to crack an exam TO get into the college she wanted (the college is 35 minutes away from my city). i waited for her like a puppy and cried each and every night. she came back, messaged me, i dropped on my knees, hyperventilated and made my best friend worried. so i'm talking about a relationship, my first relationship which is so precious and lovely to me... ending. yeah it ended 3 days ago 😔🥀. it's like building a sandcastle as a child but someone throws a ball and destroys it and you can't do anything.. but just watch. i'm also talking about a 15 year old kid who i basically raised as a sister, who i became a shoulder to cry on and who i didn't judge her for her weird thoughts and tastes. but you know.. people change so fast, it's so sudden and scary. one day, they're so nice to you, the next day they're so desperate to leave you. she fell out when she claimed to be the one who fell harder in love. in the end, me - who fell first, stayed longer. i begged, cried and tried to convince her to just try.. trying gets you so far. i'm definitely not ready to abandon a relationship i built brick by brick. so many dreams. i feel delusional; and more importantly abandoned. see everything was fine until the first day of her college. she stopped responding to my texts and reels. she would reply, but a week or two later. i killed myself in november 'cause she didn't wish me on my birthday. although a birthday forgetter, how can she forget her lover's birthday.. amirite? hahaahhahaahahh well i waited the whole day and i was disappointed, yet i hung on that rope. the gravity of this situation? she was desperate to end it. telling me not to beg but also affirming me that she's there for me. she admitted she was so shitty and can't be away for this long. i forgave. i can forgive many more times. she told me she didn't lose the sparks but told my bestfriend she fell out. can't process that. i still believe that communicating would've saved this. talking to me would've saved this. but yeah maybe i'm stupid and blind in love. honestly speaking.. i don't think i've loved someone so much that it made my body ache. i would never feel like that again, towards anyone. i don't know how to end this long essay.. but i don't know how to move on. i won't move on. i won't recover. not something i can recover from. i will take this one sided love and the memories to my grave. and like lana said "If you go, I'll stay You come back, I'll be right here" - so relatable, queen. i'm staying for years and years and years... and years till there'll be no me. i didn't mention a lot of things between us. some crazy freaky shit and some tearjerker lines she told me. it's breaking me and writing all of it one by one would quite literally be the death of me. but lastly, i hope she reconsiders and find her way back to me .☘︎ ݁˖