I don't think I will ever be able to make friends again. I was never good at it anyways. Most of my old friendships were formed simply because I was already alone and someone else happened to also be alone so we clinged to one another. By highschool I realized that despite being in a friend group, I was never truly understood by anyone and I romanticized the idea of cutting everyone off once I graduated. Since instagram is the only way anyone outside of my house can contact me, I decided to remove most of them from my following/followers and keep only 2. But I don't speak to any of them anyways. They're only still there because they were the nicest to me and I couldn't just let them all go. It's been almost two years since having any friends or any type of consistent deep interaction with people outside my home. It eats away at me almost everyday now but I refuse to feel the way I did in highschool. Highschool almost killed me. I'm terribly lonely though, despite never admitting it irl. I see people my age on social media and outside hanging out with their groups, making memories, enjoying their youth, having a bestfriend to fall back on, genuinely being loved for existing; and I just look away because if I even hold my glance for longer than 5 seconds, I'd end up staring straight at them wondering why that can't be me. It's gotten to the point where my brain has deluded me into thinking I don't want friends in general. That making friends is too much work (except it is for me) and that it will never last. I've spent so long being alone and feeling lonely that I no longer want company. It's like my brain has been in so much agony that the agony has started consuming itself. I love my isolation but I also hate it. I want connections and friends, but I also don't want any of that. Because in the end, no matter who I'm around or whoever does their best to even make me feel included, I will always feel like there's a glass wall between me and everyone else. I mean there naturally is in a way anyways since I'm autistic. And I couldn't bare the thought of having friend drama or god forbid a friendship fall out. I ghosted my old friends instead of talking to them and even then, when I was first thinking about it, it made me anxious. I know it's unhealthy and things can change, but I kind of have made peace with the idea that I will never have true friends. It's not much of an acceptance, more like just me giving up. Maybe one day, but I highly doubt it considering all I do is stay in my room and have a bad habit of maladaptive daydreaming. Whenever I have tried socializing with people, I never really start it. It's always happened when--the most recent examples in my life being when I'm at community college--someone walks up to me or someone in class decides to strike up a conversation. I'm extremely awkward and don't know how to hold the conversation. Often times I end up using the same basic responses and feeling nothing for the other person, because nothing was deep about our interaction. And then the conversation ends with me feeling frustrated and unsatisfied with myself. I'm either anxious or empty. Sometimes the idea of interacting with others irritates me because I know there will be no spark and I feel like I'm wasting my time. Like I can predict the entire conversation or the vibe of how it will go. And I'm usually right. I tend to get uncomfortable and it shows up as me being monotone and barely responding back/dry responses. Even when I'm carefree, it still doesn't translate properly on my face or body language. I'm just left feeling bad for the other person because I might've ruined their drive to make friends in college. Anyways I have more fun in my fantasies and online than in real life honestly. Not a flex, just being real about me.