for years on end, i kept on suppressing myself. a thought, pushed onto the back of my mind. an action, even out of kindness, dismissed because of my what ifs. before i turned 18, my biggest question was, how great would i become in the future? which then turned to - how would i become great in the future? i did anything and everything to keep myself from being me, it was so bad that i basically stopped existing if other people were not around me. when left alone, i would lay down on my bed like a lifeless doll. i, who once could write entire paragraphs of essay on any topic i found interesting, found that pen turned against me. i became someone who could not even think of an opening. an introduction. i have only recently acknowledged that my speech is terribly stunted. speech, texts, words, anything that had to do with communication. which was odd, since i once loved to do that. my ideas are all over the place and there is nothing i could do properly. i keep stuttering as if someone has been physically stopping me from talking or speaking my mind. a way to combat this was communicating with my classmates. i'd share any interest of mine as long as there was someone who would lend an ear. in the middle of talking, i'd realise that i was not that boring after all, and that i really just needed to exercise my communication skills after being dormant for a long time. in my family, silence is power. this is one thing that has been engraved in me ever since childhood. and so i grew up to eventually abuse that power and emotionally and psychologically hurt the people around me, not fully aware of its severity. to this day, regret is all i feel and i do my best to make up for that. i live and i shall reflect, and become my own person. i am still learning and i will continue to do so. little by little and also learn control. until i can live by myself and love meeeee