i can't seem to fall asleep tonight. my mind is racing with thoughts, and i feel so overwhelmed. i guess writing this down will help me sort things out. i wonder about the concept of a trauma that i don't think makes sense. i think trauma is like getting into a car accident. you might survive, but the scars stay, reminding you of what happened. your body keeps working, but there's something inside you that feels broken. its really unfair that you have to carry this burden. "crazy how trauma isn't your fault but it's your responsibility to heal." truer words have never been spoken. a part of me was missing but i was told to keep moving forward, to keep growing, when i wasn't even sure i had the strength to stand up. it's so unfair, isn't it? the idea that i have to bear the burden of healing from something that was done to me, something that destroyed me in a way that im still trying to understand. why should i be responsible for a rift that someone else caused? a scar that damaged my soul? it wasn't fair. GRRRRRRRR4RRRRR its so freaking unfair. i didn't ask for this? im the victim here, but im the one who has to fix it? im the one who has to put the pieces back together? to find a way to feel whole again? it's exhausting. *inhale* *exhale* sometimes... i think about who i used to be. it feels like a lifetime ago. its like im a completely different person now and its crazy that something bad can change you so much. i miss the old me who wasn't afraid to do her own thing. you know, the one who'd go to a movie alone or grab dinner by herself? the one who wasn't nervous in crowds? the one who would hop on a bus to nowhere, just to see what she'd find? yeah... i miss her. so the poiny is... nothing. aku cuman nulis random aja. aneh banget rasanya aku harus, "omg... dulu aku suka itu" waktu lihat sesuatu yang anehnya aku lupa kalau dulu pernah suka kaya makanan, minuman, lagu, dll. rasanya aneh juga waktu dateng ke suatu tempat yang kayanya baru ini kesini atau tempat yang sebenernya biasa aja tapi waktu menginjak tempat itu langsung, "omg... perasaan ini?" turns out itu tempat yang dulu seringnaku dstengin dan punya banyak cerita (baru inget atm include relapse alay) atau, "oh... kayanya aku familiar sama hal ini?" di sesuatu yang dulu aku hobiin. otakku sudah lupa tapi kayanya badanku masih ingat. grrrrrrrrrrr. i hate this.