life hasn't been so rough lately, but only when i'm not dealing with college applications, agents asking me when i'm going to be taking ielts, when i will be accepting offers, and the idea of my current disconnection with relatives and family because everyone knows about my current situation and are scared to reach out because of the fear of putting pressure on me and other aspects 🙂‍↕️ i don't wake up everyday anymore with frustration because i didn't sleep well or didn't sleep at all the night before and the light is shining through which means the new day has arrived. my sleep is slowly getting better, so maybe the antidepressants and sedatives are really starting to take effect. i don't dread the idea of the ending of a day and darkness taking over the sky because i have a my own little nighttime routine before bed, cozy streams, cozy lighting, diffuser on with lavendar oil, and thick blankets with a heat pad beneath my bed cover so i can get in and feel like i'm on a fluffy piece of cloud. the eczema is getting better, actually they're basically gone. it doesn't hurt anymore to wash my face and put on moisturizer, but looking at the pimples growing all over hurts my self esteem, because i can't put on tret anymore as it will only disrupt my skin barrier and trigger the eczema. but healing takes time, once i clear my eczema i will go back to my derm and tell her about agreeing to get on roaccutane (i got the greenlight from my psychiatrist) i have this mini checklist in my reminders app called everyday routine, and it lists out all the non-negotiables i have to do everyday, however, my lazy ass has been skipping face washing after waking up 🙃 i will try my best to get back on it "healing isn't linear" is so true in every way and gets thrown around a lot, but honestly? us as a society never really took that in and let in sink in. it isn't linear and sometimes, the process can look really, really ugly. people don't usually stick around for that. i'm really grateful for all the people that stuck around in 2025 because boy was it a difficult year for me. no expectations for 2026, cuz most of the time i am let down. peace, quiet, solitude, and a heart full of love moving forward ❤️

its 2 am and i just got out of the shower and heard whispering from my parents room. i know they are talking about me. my mental health, my offer from qut, my future, and just in general what they are gonna do about me. i know i am stepping on a thin line everyday and that line threatens to break. i am living because i don't want to break my parents hearts, i know they have mentally prepared themselves for the worst since a long time ago, and my mom claims that she will accept it one day if i ever do pass, but i know deep down she won't be able to. no one around me will. i am standing in darkness where there is light at the end of the tunnel, everyone around me thinks that that light is within arms reach, but only i know that i can't march forward.

replaying ep 4 rn of lis and i forgot how crushing it was seeing the alternate reality that would've happened if william was saved but chloe became paralyzed. i was holding my tears when they were walking along the beach. i was holding my tears when they were spending the night together watching blade runner. i was holding my tears when max finally got to speak to an alive william. but i couldn't hold it in anymore when max walked into what would've been chloe's room. it's all empty, boxes of childhood memories, letters from relatives sending the price family good wishes after the accident. no trace of chloe, besides the crutch her parents bought but she never got to use it because, she could never walk again. growing up is realizing that yes, chloe got into so much shit in the real reality, so much trouble that could've been avoided and her death was one way or another a consequence of her actions. she was immature and inconsiderate in a lot of ways, but she never deserved to die, not when she was carrying the trauma of losing her father at a young age, not when her best friend left her behind to move with her family, not when her mother moved on with someone else so she felt like she was abandoned, not when her new best friend who meant everything to her went missing. she needed someone in her life to guide her, to teach her, to let her know she could live without carrying grief as a burden on her shoulders. she needed someone, but she never received that. because in the real reality, she never reunited with max, the one week that they got to spend time together and discovering clues about rachel and other town secrets never happened in her reality. she died alone lying in a pool of blood.

its 2 in the morning and i took my meds and am laying in bed, with my diffuser on and a nightlight, playing life is strange again after a very long hiatus. i remember finishing this game years ago on my pc, but when i got my ps5 around 2 years ago, i decided to buy it again to replay it. but i never finished replaying it and im stuck at chapter 3 but i guess im starting now because my god, there are so many more games in the franchise i need to catch up on and i think they're gonna release a new one soon. but this scene, max sitting on the swing, with the music playing in the background and the sceneries, took me right back to when i was 10, when i first discovered this game through a youtuber that i adored who no longer is on the platform. and little did that kid know, this game would change my entire life. it's moments like these that made me realize, nothing will ever surpass the feeling this game gives me. it's not just a game, it was a turning point in my life. memories are rushing back and i just needed a place to let thoughts out.