family's favorite place

currently on loop

Great song for night drive

I honestly don't want to make this a bigger issue than it already is. But because I've tolerated their behavior and attitude for years, they've come to believe it's acceptable and normal. Whenever I react to something that goes against what is right or truthful, they make it seem as though I'm the one disrespecting them. In front of other people, they portray themselves as the victims. But behind closed doors, they display manipulative, gaslighting, and performative behavior that no one else gets to see. For years, I tried so hard to make our family appear picture-perfect. Instead, I often ended up feeling embarrassed because I couldn't pretend everything was fine. People see me as someone who is respectful and fair, but my parents often behave in ways that don't match the environment we're in. They refuse to adapt to more formal or respectful settings and even mock people they perceive as "high class." As a result, some people assume I'm only pretending to be different, when in reality, I've simply chosen values and behavior that my parents refuse to embrace. Even my graduation became about them. Because they were impatient with the long wait and the crowd, they didn't want to attend. My mother wanted my father to go instead, especially since he had already made arrangements with his workplace to return to the Philippines specifically for my graduation. What should have been one of the happiest days of my life became another source of stress and conflict. The hardest part is that none of this surprised me. I had already anticipated something like this happening a year before my graduation. I kept hoping I would be wrong, but deep down I knew this was a possibility. I just didn't know how to prevent it or what I was supposed to do.

Story: My little sister once told me she wishes I was her mother. We share the same mom, and our mother is very present in her life. She makes sure her meals are healthy, takes care of her needs, and looks after her because of her health sensitivities. So hearing those words shocked me. We were just hanging out in her room. I started teasing and tickling her out of boredom, and somehow the conversation turned serious. She began sharing stories about school, her friends, and then suddenly said: "I wish you were my mother." I froze. Not because I wanted to hear it. But because our actual mother was just in the living room. I immediately told her not to say that again. Not because I don't love her. But because I love our mother too, and I couldn't bear the thought of her hearing those words and feeling hurt. To this day, it still makes me cry. Not because my sister sees me as a mother. But because I wonder what made her feel that way in the first place.

I'm that person people don't casually drop by to see. My cousins has to reach me, they usually go through my parents first. To be with me in person often requires planning, travel, and sometimes even a flight. Yet they still do it. Most of the time, they come when they need comfort, guidance, or simply someone who understands them. They seek my presence not because they have to, but because it brings them peace. When people are willing to cross distance just to spend time with you, it says something. Effort is a form of value. Time is a form of value. Travel is a form of value. So when I look at these moments, I don't see inconvenience. I see proof that my presence means something to the people who seek it.

because of renovations

with my pink drink again

with a friend