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archiverains's 평점 - repov

For me, this movie is partially about what depression feels like. Lee is the personification of it. You don't like yourself. You sit around with your emotions bottled up, not really doing much, mumbling and avoiding eye contact, because apathy is better than what you would do if you let your emotions take over. You find yourself doing things that you know will ultimately set you back (represented by Lee purposely starting bar fights) just so you don't have to move forward. For whatever reason, you feel like you just *can't* progress. Almost like you know you shouldn't be able to. Like you don't deserve it. The way that most of the scenes are shot from a distance, with flat framing and angles and no camera movement - that's what it all feels like. Even when an opportunity presents itself for you to leave your shitty job and live in a nice house in a nice town, all expenses already paid, you're still resistant to leave your shitty one-room apartment. Is there any sense in that? No. But depression doesn't make sense. And then the ending symbolizes that there are times where it seems like you're so *close* to making something of yourself, to pulling it together, but... nope, nevermind. Turns out you just had a good week. When they paid for the boat, it seemed all good from there. At first I expected to movie to end on Lee going to the store, allowing Patrick to finally get laid. That's a cool fatherly thing to do, it puts a satisfying end to a running subplot for the secondary character, and Lee going back to the store (I think it was the same store he went to the night his house burned down but I could be wrong) could symbolize him finally getting over what happened that night, forgiving himself, and moving on. But then the movie keeps going. He puts Patrick in more capable hands and decides to move back to Boston. To paraphrase Lee, he just... can't. He can't do it. That's what trying to make progress with depression is like. And it fucking hurts. This movie was too real.

i was a mess mentally today,no, not just today, but the last few weeks.it's been really really tough for me.tonight i decided to borrow a bicycle and goes for a ride, going around my campus,listening to DEAN, DAY6, and eaJ along the way,it feels like a roller coaster,my emotion just mixed with each songs I heard.i always feel that the world have something against me,and i feel like that i don't deserve to be happy.i also feel like i'm not good at anything, but deep down, i love drawing and photographing things,capturing each moment i experienced,trying to carve it to my memories.but, i haven't been drawing for my own satisfaction for a long time,it's just hard for me, there's a lot of things going inside my head, it's mostly myself thinking that my drawing is not good enough,and there are a lot of people who's better than me,exactly like what was happening in the act 1 of this film.i feel like seeing myself whenever i look at fujino and kyo,a side of me that craves of people's validation and breaks down when there's people who's better than me in fujino.a side of me that is afraid of facing people and loves a certain someone that goes out of their way to be kind to me in kyo.i see myself in fujino when she blamed herself for kyo's death too, trust me, i've been there before, a grief mixed with guilt is never easy, it takes toll on you.i cried so much when i watch this movie, funnily, after crying my hearts out when i was cycling earlier tonight.i cried when fujino was depressed while doing something that she loved and passionate about,i cried and laughed when fujino runs and danced under the rain after getting a compliment and seeing kyo's excitement for fujino's art, i do that a lot too whenever someone complimented my artwork, i feel like the happiest man in the world whenever that happened,i cried when kyo ask "why did you draw" and the flashes of scenes appeared,i cried until the end.sometimes i just wish i can found happines in little things again,sometimes i just wish i can draw anything for myself without worrying about people's opinion and worrying whether if my work is good enough or not,sometimes i just wish that i can motivate myself to live my life.but, living is really hard.and i'm really exhausted right now.i want to rest forever.i want to disappear from this world.i simply just want to stop continuing this life.i don't even have any plan about what to do after all of this ended,i just want to die,like kyomoto did.