The only place in Metro Manila that truly gets me out of my head. I visit from time to time, usually on days that aren't too hot. I find that the current season is the best to visit, but there's a storm rolling over the city rn and you can never tell how bad things will get because it's by the sea. Another con this place has is that it doesn't have a lot of seating areas that are grassy. I'd love to sit on the ground but knowing how people are here, they'd probably just leave trash around. It's a shame cause the site is historical. Also there's not a lot of upkeep in certain pockets of the place. 3.5/5, Intramuros is great but the "Intramuros Area" is better. There's so much character and history to observe, even if you're not spending money to pay for the tourist-y gimmicks. And I'd even wager to say that getting lost here and spending NOTHING immerses you better than paying for a tour.

Today's been a little rough, not only am I freakishly sick, it's almost been a year since <redacted> happened. It feels like it only happened yesterday...? Although I'm not hung up on it (maybe I subconsciously am), getting reminded of where I used to be a year ago has always left me feeling sour and a little angry. I wish I hadn't wasted all that time. They say there's never loss with love, but I did lose myself. In worship and hope and belief. I can rebuild and forge something different but I will never have that fearless hope and earnestness I used to have. I can never love and be unafraid that my love wouldn't have a place in this world. It used to and it was taken away from me all because someone lied to themselves for a full year; and by extension, they lied to me. I should've been the first person they should've seen as a casualty. I shouldn't have been there. If only you were as sure of me as I was as certain of you. You were religion and by essence, the person who allowed me to cast light on the darkest parts of the world. Maybe it all came from me but I couldn't have done it by myself. And what if I find another? Will they just be another instrument, another passerby, another person to make each other a symbol of what we can't do on our own? Did I use you just as much as you used me? I demonize myself to make just of what you did—that I did deserve this. But after everything, i've snapped out of the compulsion that Im some sort of evil, broken person that constantly needed fixing and internal policing to be good for you. And I did everything to not let you know about how much I've been redoing and undoing my brain. I WAS good to you and in that pursuit, I DID lose myself. So was I good to you? Was I really a good person to you? It's unfathomable how I had so much will in love. I can't find that in me now and I don't know what to do to bring who I was back.

oh i'm so excited to listen to this month's playlist

The main reason why I couldn't listen to my lofi playlists was because I wouldn't let myself get sad. Oddly enough, feeling sad is comforting. Maybe it's a wallowing type of thing but this year, it hasn't been that. I've just really ben avoiding the feeling of solemnity. Lo-Fi ambient music gives me that feeling and I used to be able to sit well with it. This year, it's just been hard for me to slow down and think—to place my feelings outside of myself and to just stare at it or embrace it. I have to accept it's okay to feel things without understanding them first; that's one of the newer realizations I've had. It makes sense as a concept and I've definitely thought of that before but this year has been developing more than just cognizance. I have to allow myself to feel my skin before putting on 10 layers of clothing to protect myself before work. I have to allow my heart to be held even if the one holding it is me. I have to stop compartmentalizing everything. I need to finally let go and let be.

Fuck this shit. My shift changed to 5PM to 2AM. And this is gonna be what my next 2-3 months are going to look like. The commute home is hellish because I have to take a detour since the trains are closed during nighttime. Not only that, the detour is even more expensive. fuck ahh office

thinking of what to do today since it’s my “rest day” from work. I spent the whole day yesterday just catching up on sleep because I’ve been practically bed ridden the entire month due to my work’s shifting schedule. had some reallllyyyyy good food I got delivered earlier as payday just came. thought I’d treat myself :) also, I’m thinking of also watching Heretic tomorrow evening (which is in <15 hours… so, it’s already technically “tomorrow” now).

so i made it work!!! i got my weekends disputed and i'm finally back to having Saturdays and Sundays as my rest days :DDDDD Only con is that my Saturdays are reserved for dance practices (is this really a con?!?!?!? IM LOWK EXCITED)

Things to do later: - Buy cat food - Buy cat litter - Maybe make some food and play some games to unwind hehehe

working at home + doing extra shit so i can be more organized during my shifts. also my monthly playlists need to be cleaned up. i gtg get ready to go out cause i'm planning to go out and work @ a cafe

why are they planning a disco night if there's no space to dance... so this means it's not appropriate for me to DRINK. And I mean—like, actually drink, not "sit there, look pretty and act stupid lemme drink my expensive whiskey" drinking. I MEAN ACTUALLY DRINKING. There is no fun with drinking if you aren't dancing tipsy, otherwise just stay home or go to a cafe if u just wanna sit around and buy an expensive beverage. Are yall just networking here? THEN WHY MAKE IT MANDATORY LMFAO SUUUUUUUU Lemme just sit down and talk about this BORING ASS party lmao what are we even doing here. I'm BETTING THERELL BE MORE PEOPLE IN THE SMOKING AREA THAN INSIDE LMAO. I might be too GEN Z for this but god these parties are so effing useless. Just go line yourselves up in a meeting room and flagellate each other. And it's somehow mandatory for all of the lower-tier agents, too. lol shut up if it wasn't mandatory then i guarantee you only 30% from the current attendees would show up

Started reading this today. Let's hope my attention span lasts me the first book (at least), and then the entire series 💔💔💔💔💔 idk how i read entire series' in a week when i was 14. I've grown to be a movie person