with pride month almost here i’ve been going back and fourth the past month or so on my name. my given name isn’t even cassie or cass, but i feel i’ve grown to like casey a little bit more hence the username change. i’ve gone through different names since middle school and eventually i stuck with c names after high school to use the “oh it’s a nickname” excuse to evade the question if it ever got revealed to my parents. but my moms suspicions continue and won’t let up since she’s “researched” it a bunch. she knows the terms and the flag colors so i can’t even be sneaky about it. my name is never used anywhere but online abd the few friends that i tell. i don’t think i’ll ever be able to get close to transitioning how i want to. it’ll always be a piece of me that i yearn for, but im too out of reach to get. i’m stuck between losing my family and losing my identity and i can’t afford to give that up yet. it’s so much easier to say “oh cut your family off” when you’re not relying on them. i’ve tried the arguing for them to use my name, i’ve tried begging on my hands and knees. it’s like talking to a brick wall if that brick wall also belittled you and called you mentally sick. eventually i just gave up. being complacent with my parents expectations is easier than constantly being on edge and fighting them. i’ll grow my hair out, and i won’t dress any other way but feminine. it’s so unbelievably difficult to see visibly trans masc people online or in public (rare in tx but it still happens!) because i so badly want to look like that. the closest thing ive ever gotten to having short hair was a bob and even if i get short hair, i dont think it would look good. i’m okay with not ever presenting masculine even if it hurts a lot, i think ill play pretend for the rest of my life. maybe uts out of cowardice? or fear? probably a mix of both. if youre trans as well, dont be like me, please keep living your life as you.