You are so easy to love. Your vulnerability are never been a flaw to me. You can feel it, you are allowed to feel it when you're with me. You can express your feelings freely to me. No need to hide, no need to stay quiet or strong. You are SAFE here. You will always safe with me. Can you see that? Please take my eyes so you'll know how pretty you are in my eyes. That big smile of yours and the silly accessories you wear just to be a lil bit 'stylish' without being too much. Well basically, you're never too much. You can wear clothes from trashbag and still find me amused by your face. Please take my nose so you could know how easy it is for me to notice your parfume. When you bought a new one, trying one, steal one from your sister, or any differences i found on you will always be noticeable. And please, please, please take my heart so you would know how it feels to see you around. The warmth sent to my body and the BIG URGE to hug you when you finally achieve something you've dreamed of. The urge to hold your hand when we walk side by side, the subtle nervousness i have when our hands touch. The happiness i felt when we thought the same thing like a twin flame. We could switch body and people wouldn't notice over how similar we are. Over how match, over how strong the chemistry we have, and how it AFFECTS me more than anyone could think. Please, Please take it all so you would know how bad i want you. How dear you are to me, how lovely you are to me, how hurt it is to hold everything inside when i wish a 'forever' with you. How big my hopes are just share my songs with you, share my earpods so we could drown into the same song. If our playlist could be pretty similar, why can't our heart? Is it because the chemistry is nothing more than whatever it is, or- We're just to scared and stubborn to start cause we already fall for each other too hard.

To be loved is to be hold. Get me a lover who would hold me as tight as alat tensi gripping my arm.

Have you realize how complicated things could be as your grow up? Everything went blurry all the time. Nothing is black and white anymore, aggressively shifted into grey uninvited. Nothing is wrong and right anymore, you'll always find a reason behind someone's behavior. And the worst part is, you'll always find it understandable. I always find myself as an unempathic person, at least that's what i thought. While the rest of my life is just positioning myself under other's shoes so i could always justifiy their action. Does it still count unempathic? I'll let you judge by yourself. But it's not only about others. The worst situation is when the grey is on ourself. Sometimes I'm good, sometimes I'm bad. It doesn't depends on how other see it, but it depends on how i choose to be to someone. I might act like a saint, and I might act like an evil too. But my inner thought heavily believes for the latter. If i choose to be evil for one time, would that be my whole persona for the rest of my life? Probably yes, but the problem is- Why it doesn't seem like a problem to me? Because why in the hell, someone with the most melancholic and high understanding like me would give up being a saint? Aren't those are the image people expecting me to be? And don't you like it? So why, are you more comfortable surrounded by hate instead of love? Is it because you're used to your self hate? Or- Maybe the saint version of you was just the image you build inside your head.

i want to be the irresponsible guy. Having no one leaning on you since you can't even hold yourself steady. Having hands by hands reaching you out once you try something as they expect you to do mistakes. I want to be the irresponsible guy, who would always have someone behind their back even though they do it in anger. I would rather, ruin it all instead of be the one to carry it all at once on my shoulder. Expected to be the hero over everything, be the first to fix any miscalculation and inconvenience. I would rather loose everything than be seen as someone to rely on. Because at the end of day, i couldn't rely on anyone except myself. Having myself capable over anything and leaving the urge to find somebody. Leaving myself alone inside my head since i was forced to believe that i could handle everything. It's not true. It was never, ever true. So if i have the chance, let me be the irresponsible guy. I promise i would be the best irresponsible guy, by being responsible enough of my irresponsibility just to know the feeling of being seen.

I hope i stay. In the purest form of love, i hope they come at the time where i finally know how to handle myself. I hope they don't see me as someone who would run anytime, i hope i won't cage them with the idea of me leaving. Because being equal was never the same in love. I thought being in love means that we should love someone properly and wholeheartedly. Mirroring activities and treatment doesn't mean the love is equal, unfortunately. Because i can do it all while deceiving every love sent to me. So what i learn was, i need to receive the love as much as i give. Which i never learn in the first place. Strictly restricting the love i receive from someone or something that feels inconsistent and harsh, because that's the only thing I'm familiar with. And if they ever come again, I hope i understand. I hope i could fully understand how stable and constant love is. I need to believe that it comes from something that is comfortable and calm. As someone who's been relying on tragedy and misery just to feel alive, having something gentle feels like a boredom. I know it isn't, but if i was a mess, would something calm love to have me around? If they were a pretty flower garden, i know they would take me in. As the storm that coming in harsh and without warning, they have no idea how harmful i would be. While staying there for themself, i might get in just to mess them around, ruin every peace they build, and leave. So if they ever come again, i hope i have turned into the flowing wind you found at noon. The one that calm you nerves down as you listen to you favorite song and surroundings. Please, let me be non destructive at least for once in my life.

I longed for something fond. Something that is genuine, gentle, and full of warmth. Something that i clearly know would only come from a thing that we called love. One day i was wondering, staring blankly at the ceiling and thinking of how could i get that chance. To love, and to be loved? it was nearly impossible. But i didn't give up. I tried, as i long, more like a yearn to feel any love in between the chaos of harm i feel in my life. Between every open scars i have in my body and mind, between every loud noises screaming through my head. I long for nothing but a melody of affection. Until one truly came to my life, coming from someone i used to called as a lover. At least that's what i thought. The one that taught me what love would be, what love feels like, and unfortunately also how tough it actually is. I never understand what it's like to be loved properly, so- I took whatever it is to feel. I'm broken, too broken to fix, too hard to be taught about what's right and what's not. I could be a burden to literally anyone. Even to my own self. So the other day, that 'me' finally realized. That love should be mutual and comes naturally from both sides. Not something that feels like forced by doing too much to make it work. So by that, I'm giving up on it again. Rethinking my own urge to have it in my life when I'm not even ready to maintain and work for it. I realized how hard and how hurtful it is, even promised myself to not fallin for the trap twice. Love ever once sounds like a threat to me. Something that i should avoid, something that is not worth it, and something that is fake. I totally gave up on it. Refocusing everything to myself, remanage myself and the world around me. Fixing what should have stayed, what should be understood, and what should be twisted. I finally know how to learn about myself, and suddenly the love isn't a need anymore. Not because i don't want it, but the more i understand myself, the more i feel like I'm not deserved for love. Otherwise, people always say that love would come in the most unexpected way and time, which surprisingly applied to me. In the middle of my chaos and messy personality, a love approach me— in the way that is more than gentle for the entry, in a way that patience is not enough to describe, in a way that slow burn trope couldn't even compare, and in a form that I've always thought impossible. It's called friends. Friends was something i thought would never have. Not even nearly impossible, but it was clearly impossible. Knowing how different, unlovable, and freak i am, there's no way i would find a friend that would stay, or even match. But unfortunately, there is. Which made my self esteem questioning if this just another way for the universe play with my sanity or it's actually the time for me to taste friendship. Thank god, it's the latter. I used to look at my favorite group, wondering how could they have so much fun around each other, being so touchy, hug, fond, full of love, and being so so so affectionate towards each other. I thought they were just gay. or maybe they are. But— Back to myself, it fucking happened to me. Unless i might be real gay, but let's put that topic for the aftermath. I really am fall for the love named friendship, has the audacity to feel in deep over MY FRIEND'S feeling, having the urge to help anytime they feel down, even have the moment where we confess over how important we are for each other. This will sounds romantic between 2 person but it happened between THREE which doesn't make sense to be bonded and attached this much. Love happened in the most unexpected way and it happened in my most unhinged friendship ever who comes from trauma bonding and dirty jokes but surprisingly made our string tighter and leads us to dream of our future funeral. The hell am i supposed to romanticize that. But love is love, and so do us. Despite all of the unhinged thing we did or talk, they always feels like home to me. Something that I've been longing for a very long time. Something that i use to describe as genuine, fond, and warm. Because no matter how loud our conversation is, it's actually softer in our heart. No matter how much we fight over each other, the warmth still keep us intact. I know I'm doomed cause my love is fulfilled by my own friends, no lover would be needed. But who cares about lover and marriage when we even plan to have our death close. Sounds suicidal and we might are, but that's what makes us, us. I can cry over how much i miss my friend, i don't even care if someone would take it as gay but i do miss them and i will cry anytime it happened. I can write a long letter wishing them a good day and i don't care if people thought that we're in a situationship cause i might kiss them anyway. Cause i longed for love, and now i have it. I wouldn't think twice to describe love with the name of two person who don't even know my favorite color but definitely know my mental state. And when i asked what it's like to be loved, i will always say our name. The one that we once called friendship— before it changes to my other half.