life soundtrack yang terlupakan

that one random oom yang casually beliin es tiap hari buat dicicip💀🫶🏻🫶🏻 rating full karena dari beliau spesial ini yang selalu excited nanya rasanya🧍🏻‍♂️🙂 wkwkwk “neh .. paket neh”

mind is super happyyyyyyy💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 akkkkkkkkkk🩷🩷🩷

(write it as i think about it and just take it as it is) some summary p.s. i know this is long, but thank you for reading it anyway 🫶🏻🫶🏻 i was still trying to figure out how to describe my experience in these past years, that everything that i have done seemed to have done me entirely more than what i did to them jumping straight into thinking about policy, the complexity of global governance and politics, and urban innovation reconstructed me so much. idk if maybe i was invested too much, or if i’m just objectively that sensitive that the things i figured out somehow worked their own way into my very essence like, for example, maybe for the sake of it, i just had to work on a street vendor case. but later on, it became more about the incentives, history, accessibility, identity, governance, inequality, memory, and flows the ongoing chain of changed perception. these domains demanded that i clean my own reality and morality lens first, rather than just being smart and working on something. i did everything i could… until i grieved. i grieved a lot. as i cared and i built, then i lost, only to build again. i grieved a lot because at the core, it simply means this: we always have more things to consider, and more things to be considered about. but somehow, we will always have limited freedom to choose what our birthright naturally gives us as human beings. i feared that what i have would come as both a blessing and a responsibility, and that what i aspire toward would become dreams and perhaps even the illusion that hinders me from being present and yesterday was the 40th day of om wowo’s passing. i swear i didn’t even spend that much time with dani, but we grew up together for almost two decades, and i’ve always been quite sensitive to something called grieving. but that made me realize something i used to think that maybe, to go somewhere, i might have to lose everything i had before. that i had to go there alone, and work on myself as best as i could so i could do something better for everyone else, all for the sake of service. looking back, there was such an arrogance in that way of thinking that moment made me realize that what makes me happiest is simply being there for my loved ones, my friends, and my family, in both their highs and their lows. just being there. openly caring, and being taken care of. and just living well with what i have then, if i were asked what death happened yesterday within me, i hope that instead of listing how tired i was, or how close i came to giving up on everything, i could simply say: that was the death of perceived isolation the death of disconnection the death of the illusion of competence and i’m happy to say that i was born again with the people who genuinely love me holding my hands and making sure to ask, “bisa beneran nggaaa?” or “kamu mau apa?” and “mau makan yuk?” i used to be proud of securing more than ten global fellowships within just a year, and of having my venture listed as one of the top 100 urban innovations globally for two consecutive years but currently, i feel so blessed just to spend another night laughing with my friends and eating something good with my family, that makes me feel this year, as a year of grieving and failures, is incredibly rich than what last year, the year of accomplishment and acceleration, gives then i wonder what i can give and contribute next with this type of openness and blissfulness, but rather than thinking about it, i just want to keep choosing love, love people now, and be well

“and if the highest place i reach is at Your feet, then i have done it all”

love is so overloaded with everything, i don’t even know what to do but cry 🧍🏻‍♀️🐇 (it’s a very basic daily activity)

isi hati gw

i used to truly want to be a mom, like even before i knew i wanted to be a good daughter and a good little sister (my ignorant ass just made that happen lately 🧍🏻‍♀️) i wanted to be a mom first lol until one day i realized there was something different about the way i’m wired and process things, not necessarily wrong in a bad way, but i acknowledged that i process things far more complexly than necessary, while sometimes processing them less properly at the times when simplicity is actually what’s needed (accepting that after years of my mom calling me “abnormal” throughout my childhood lol) then likely three years ago, i told myself i wanted to reparent myself first, and i did, quite meeting my kpis now and feeling a bit satisfied about it, but funnily, that reparenting program took a massive workload: that is more i know about how reality works, the more i acknowledge the complexity, the more i doubt, and the more i accept imperfection as the absolute state of everything such right now, even when i feel like i know how to navigate things, it’s still hard to always be present for ewa (my niece) and truly be there whenever she wants or needs me (how crazy it is to experience a child becoming personally attached to you) and after i thought my internal tools had finally been completed, i realized what the missing piece actually was, something that had quietly been there throughout almost all of my relationships too consistency (that also supports predictability) it’s hard to be present for something that constantly demands our presence, especially when we can’t fully be that present for ourselves first overall i feel grateful for this insight and lesson, especially after my mom cried like a little girl to me for the first time last week, that i realized how grateful i am to know what it feels like to truly be in touch with myself without carrying such heavy baggage, and i want my mom to be able to have that too and i also realized the trap that tells us we have to become “everything” first before giving anything, which is also an illusion but now i think one of the hardest-earned lessons of adulthood might simply be learning to be present: to give to keep showing up for someone (including us), even when we aren’t completely full or fully capable ourselves to do it consistently, even if it’s just a little at a time, enough to create stability and maybe translation (communication) is the cherry on top, allowing us to mutually accept just how imperfect everything can be, no matter how sincerely we’re trying and i think it applies to almost everything so .. i still get to grow by myself grow alongside my niece while supporting her own development as her own little human grow alongside my mom while giving love to the little girl within her so i think these past two years (since ewa was born), and the upcoming years, will become an amazing foundation and a season of life i will truly miss one day, hmm (just thinking about it makes me feel excited)

sometimes when i’m being ‘too present’ while doing something, i think about how little of this world we ever (and may ever) get to experience, acknowledging how little time and how small a part i have ‘just to live’ makes me want to enjoy every part of what i have now and genuinely feel thankful for everything addition: my life feels quite expansive and surprisingly light lately, everything feels so perfect as it is now, like there’s nothing better than what i’m experiencing ‘right now’ i’m trying to build healthier, kinder, lighter, and genuinely closer relationships with my loved ones (family and friends), with zero attachment left, full focus on my path, deep awareness of my body’s signals, unconditional compassion for everyone, feeling unshakeably connected to the greatest one, not feeling desire or attraction toward anything, being more in touch with reality, and still having a subtle push to keep moving forward idk but somehow it feels like i’m in the in between seconds of the transition from spring to autumn, it’s super light and bright, but i know sooner or later it will change into something quieter and more stable i also love my relational side a lot, the season where i deeply and genuinely cherish being taken care of and openly caring about something, i didn’t expect it to feel this good to be this affectionate without any agenda lol, and i want to keep practicing it more wisely, i’ve planned a lot of new activities as containers to live in hahah and invite some people to live together within those containers to do gym, to do marathon, to “please help me track this”, to swim, to bake, to do skincare, to do haircare, to cook, to do my tasks, i love connecting and experiencing life together through something 🫶🏻🫶🏻 (thanks to myself for building this solid internal security at this age, so i can try to be more open and not feel threatened easily) intinya sih i really love and appreciate this season 🎂💗💗🥰

glimpses captured for todaaaay hari yang ??????? kaya siapa expect ✅ nice morniing si sangat super produktif🫶🏻🫶🏻 i love my faaam (please please sama-sama aku dan temenin aku terus sampe aku nanti phd🥹🥹💗💗🙏🏻) ✅ ketemu rehan (agak tenang pas ketemu rehan, gatau kenapa mungkin karena udah lama ngga ketemu) dan .. siapa sangka akan kecelakaan🧍🏻‍♀️ kaya ????

the way i experience “reality” has been a bit weird (or at least more unfamiliar than ever) lately: i can switch between the feeling of one state and another depending on what i do (i did a lot of logical puzzles this morning, and that made me realize it even more) and what i think about (specifically what i choose to focus on, which is often how a certain domain works and what kind of cognitive abilities it demands to function) this (???) experience makes me realize that perhaps my map of reality has become a bit more developed. i can distinguish and feel nuances much more clearly and cleanly now, as if there’s no unnecessary mental fog anymore. i can also better distinguish whether something (or an output) comes from ego-rooted premises or from a clearer touch of truth in reality (both internally and externally) weirdly, this stage also makes me a little irritated by contents, music, or even podcasts, which is strange because just days ago i genuinely enjoyed watching song mingi focus on BAD and listening to audiobooks while doing treadmill 🧍🏻‍♀️ overall though, honestly, this is something i genuinely want to celebrate: that my mental model feels clear and clean enough to become much more sensitive to unnecessary noise 🎂💗💗💗💗💗👀 and because of that, i think i might delete my spotify haha (and maybe youtube too, also some other appsss) 🧍🏻‍♀️ (i’m still thinking about what something light i should update on repov, since i’ve been posting a looooot of reflections lately. that’s actually because i just haven’t been enjoying consuming those kinds of media anymore) (i wanted to watch Agent Kim, but i don’t think i do anymore)

spending my time giggling before bed, thinking about how funny it is that i planned my entire funding budget around ai support credits, only for them to reject it and give me this one instead 🧍🏻‍♀️ (alhamdulillah) (LUCU BANGET)